Posted by: cousindampier | 18 November 2011

In Which I Am Offered A ‘Gay Experience’

Yesterday, a man on the street told me to look him up if I wanted “a gay experience.”

Generally, I try to avoid shit magnet stories. But, I bring it up because:

a) it was, in retrospect, hilarious. At the time, it left me feeling like I wanted to go home and burn my clothing.

b) The last time I was so blatantly hit on, I was in a hostel in Wellington with Kath where a a gay Australian also hit on me. I’m hoping this is not developing into a trend.

c) It was the perfect “Welcome back to Spokane!” moment.


“Hi, I just spent ten months abroad, and I’m back and looking for a job. Are you hiring?

I said that many times, to many different people, always getting the same, oh-so nice rejections. The “Well, we’re not hiring now. But leave your resume and we will put it on file if anything comes up!”

Translation: The next time anybody in this store will see this piece of paper is when it goes out of business and the movers are here and they find it in a back room. And that is only if I don’t toss it the minute you leave the store. It is like the friendzone of finding a job. It’s not a no. Something might happen! But for the moment, no. But you never know!

The bar I was in was the first place all day to tell me a straight “no, we’re full at the moment!” It was actually a relief to hear that. As I’m leaving this bar, I see someone outside peering through the window. His face is smushed up against the glass and he’s looking in the window like he might just not know where he is.

I should mention one thing about Spokane. A few years back, the city had five times the national average of homeless people. This year, as the recession has hit, the number has likely increased. Washington, generally, provides a lot of social support benefits, so the number of homeless in Seattle and Spokane are always higher than the national numbers.

So I know this to be true as I turn around and see the guy peering through the window, and I’m in a bit of town where its common to see people on the street. And as I start to walk to the door, my thought process is not, “WHY THE HELL IS THERE SOMEONE BLOCKING THE DOOR,” but instead is, “I have no cash on me, how harassed am I going to be when he asks me for some.”

I open the door and the guy backs up. Then, I feel really dumb and a little shamed as he says, “Hi, my name is Marty,” and offered his hand out to me.

So I take his hand. “Hi. I’m Abe.”

Him: “Abe? Oh, like Big Abe!”

Me, fake-laughing: “Oh, not like that. If I was like Abe Lincoln, I wouldn’t be here.”

Him: “That’s a really nice jacket.” Proceeds to reach out and touch my jacket.

Me: “ah, thanks. I got it at Costco.”

Him: “So what do you do, Abe?”

Me: “Well, I just got back from traveling, so I’m looking for work.”

Him: “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Me: “Yeah, there is a girl I am seeing, but she’s on the east coast.”

Him: “Oh. Well, I’m gay myself.”

Me: “Oh, cool.”

At this point I’m walking towards the street corner with the intent to continue on my job-search. He’s walking rather slowly and I’m unsure if I should just leave him or not. And then the bombshell drops.

Him: “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but if you ever want a gay experience, you look me up, ok?”

Me, hoping my mouth hasn’t dropped open too much, and attempting to defuse the situation with a joke: “Oh, I don’t think my girlfriend would like that very much.”

Him, stops and looks directly at me: “But you’ll think about it right?”

Now, we’ve reached an awkward point, because I have no idea what to say. I know what I should say, which is something along the lines of, “FUCK YOU, THIS IS CREEPY.” I, however, am desperately trying to think of some witty line to make him laugh and move on his merry way, so I can get the hell out of there myself.

And I am failing miserably.

Me: “Ah…no…I really don’t think that…not my thing…girlfriend wouldn’t like it”

Him: “So you really might?”

Me: “Um, no. Not at all. But I’ll let you know if my mind changes.”  As I’m saying this, my brain is screaming at me to not make a bad joke.  But I still try to make a bad joke.

He looks down and heartbroken. I decide now is the time to leave, and turn, saying “Marty, it was nice…

Our Boy, Marty, however, has decided he will not take no for an answer! Instead, he decides to reach out and try to hug me. I decide to spin away, and as I walk toward the corner with what can only be called a ‘rapid pace’ say, “Got to keep looking for jobs man, good luck!”




  1. hahaha that just ruined your whole day. great story and storytelling :).

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