Posted by: cousindampier | 8 November 2016

Was That Election like This One, Part I: 1788 – 1892

Election years bring out the most virulent part of the American psyche.  2016 is almost over, and the overwhelming theme seems to be “we seriously cannot handle any more of this.”

The fun part of American elections, however, is that a lot of what happens today has come before.  Events might be specific to an individual year, but the theme is there.  The violence and personal attacks of 2016 are nothing compared to the slander of 1828, and the personal scandals of Clinton and Trump are a replay of Cleveland and Blaine.

2016 will rank as one of the craziest elections and the best lesson we can take from American history is that crazy elections are usually followed by some really boring ones.

1788: No.

1792: No. It’s George Washington.

1796: Washington steps aside and a two-party system erupts. John Adams (Federalist) runs against Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican)i, and in ways it was modern: the Federalists accuse Jefferson of sympathizing with the horrors of the French Revolution, having an affair with a slave and running away from battle during the Revolution. Meanwhile, the Democratic-Republicans accuse Adams of wanting a return to the monarchy. This is no basic slander – it is an accusation of wanting to upturn the results of the revolution and betray American independence.

Everything works out.ii Adams is elected President and Jefferson is elected Vice-President as no system exists for electing a Presidential ticket. It is the most awkward Presidential term in American history until 1800.

Relation to 2016: Some, but very little. Washington is the most popular President in American historyiii and comparing any election to his coattails is problematic. The immediate and violent personal attacks, however, does speak to a strain of American politics which holds true today.

Fun Fact: Theodore Roosevelt was not a fan of Thomas Jefferson and despised Jeffersonian Democracy.

1800: Adams’ Presidency is not the most successful. By 1800, the French Revolution is in full swing, the British are testy over sailors, and Adams has worked to pass two unpopular laws – a tax to pay for an army and navy, and the Alien and Sedition Acts to silence any critics. The Federalists also split – Adams and Hamilton emerge as rivals within the party, so much so that Hamilton works to bump Adams from the ticket. When a fifty-four page letteriv blasting Adams was released to the press, the Federalist movement was tarred. 

The lesson here: in the early years of the Republic, don’t tax and take away rights.

Then, because this is America and we learn from our mistakes, we screw up again. Jefferson is running against Adams with Aaron Burr as his running mate. In 1800, the presidency and vice-presidency are recognized to be a) different and b) held by members of the same party. However, the electoral college has no way of voting for each position separately. The Adams-Jefferson debacle remains: the highest vote-getter became President, and second place went to the Vice-President.

The Democratic-Republicans find a solution – have one member refrain from voting for Burr, so Jefferson will win. Perfect, right?

The guy forgot.

Now, Jefferson and Burr are tied. Under the constitution, the election goes to the House of Representatives, and while the election of 1800 is going to bring in a new Democratic-Republican majority, the old collection of members is still in session. They are dominated by Federalists who hate Jefferson, their political opponent since forever. Burr stands a real chance of winning.

And then Alexander Hamilton gets involved again, telling the House Federalists to vote for Jefferson. He would rather have someone he disagrees with as President rather than someone who might be the literal incarnate of Satan.v

Jefferson wins, and this was definitely the most awkward Presidential term. Especially after Burr kills Hamilton in a duel and, in later years, tries to start an insurrection out west.

Relation to 2016: The Federalists split in 1800, handing the election to the Democratic-Republicans. Yet, it is the Democratic-Republicans who nearly split and blow the party into a million pieces. It is Alexander Hamilton – Great Britain-leaning, Federalist Alexander Hamilton – who saves Jefferson’s election. And that rings true this year. The Republicans who have come forward, looked at Trump, and decided they would rather vote for Clinton run in the path set by Hamilton.

Fun Fact: We can revisit this later if Mike Pence kills Mitt Romney in a duel and tries to start the independent nation of Hawai’i

1804: The Federalist Party disintegrates, and the elections become landslides. Jefferson wins with the usual slander. The Federalists do run a vice-president named Rufus, which is the closest America is to getting Droopy in the White House.

droopy-wallpapers-hd

Relation to 2016: None. Literally none.

Fun Fact: Did you know that George Clinton is one of only two men to serve as vice-president under two administrations? Always the bridesmaid, never the guy holding the nuclear codes.

1808: The way I remember the Presidents is that Madison comes before Monroe alphabetically, and also in Presidential order.

Relation to 2016: I guess Madison did serve as Jefferson’s Secretary of State, as did Hillary.

Fun Fact: The Federalist ticket was the same as 1804, and George Clinton was the VP nominee again. Much to the joy of typesetters everywhere, Madison was the only new name on the ticket.

1812: Facing off against DeWitt Clinton, Madison puts the successful war president theory to the test. He is not yet a successful war president, but the British also haven’t burned the White House yet, so he squeaks by with 50.4% of the vote.

Relation to 2016: Get elected before the invasion happens.

Fun Fact: Clinton is the nephew of Madison’s late vice-president, making this another awkward contest. There is a theme somewhere in this.

1816: Rufus King is back, starring in “The Last Federalist Candidate,” which fails at the box office and James Monroe is elected President. The early 1800’s are devoid of drama.

Relation to 2016: The previous decade saw the Federalists hang on by bits and pieces, and King would be their last stand. The party fell apart after 1816, so when I write this again in four years 1816 might be the most similar election.

Fun Fact: Monroe is the only President with a foreign capital city named after him, in Liberia.

1820: Monroe runs unopposed. Literally. Peggy Noonan still finds a way to call the race a toss-up on election day.

Relation to 2016: None.

Fun Fact: Monroe was the third consecutive president to get re-elected, which doesn’t happen again until 2012.vi

1824: The House of Representatives is good for three things. They control the purse strings (Thanks, history class). They are the most populist branch of government, charged with keeping their collective fingers on the pulse of hard-working America and responding in kind, usually poorly. And they decide ties, ranging from a Presidential election to who wins in a triple-overtime Super Bowl.vii

Providing role-models for father-son figures for the rest of time, John Quincy Adams is eventually elected, but not without a tremendous amount of bile, anger, and eternal hatred. The election split one party (possibly happening), created another (probably not happening), and even forced Andrew Jackson to stop focusing on which Native American tribe he was going to expel and slaughter next (Does Donald Trump know that Native Americans exist?)

With Monroe taking his leave, the last of the Revolutionary leaders is gone, and the Democratic-Republicans cannot unify behind one candidate. The result is a four-way race, with Adams, Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay all receiving electoral votes.

Jackson receives the plurality, but not the majority. 131 electoral votes are needed, and he only received 99. Adams had 84.

The 1796 and 1800 election prepared for this – sort of. The election went to the House, but only the top three candidates are considered. Clay is left out, the first of his many attempts at the Presidency defeated. Like Hamilton before him, he considers Adams to be more in tune with America, and he hates Jackson. With Clay’s support, Adams proceeds to win 13 of the 20 states in the House, become President, and Jackson was left to brood until 1828.

Relation to 2016: Similar. The animosity between the candidates is palatable. Any Adams-Jackson debate would be similar to the second debate this year, minus the whole dumb “DO YOU LIKE THE OTHER PERSON PLS SAY YES” question at the end.  

It is also striking because of the end of the Democratic-Republican Party. Jackson inherits the Democratic mantle, and this is where the modern Democratic party begins. Adams’ segment of the party will eventually become the Whigs, which…we will get to the monstrosity that is the Whigs.

Fun Fact: 1824 does hold a striking resemblance to one election. When the 1989/90 NBA awards were announced, Magic Johnson won the MVP despite receiving fewer first place votes than Charles Barkley, and the idea of Charles Barkley and Andrew Jackson having something in common should make everybody happy.

1828: This election has everything: A bitter re-match, accusations of adultery and prostitution, slave-trading, possible improprieties with public funds, slanderous use of a formal President’s dying endorsement and, of course, a riotous mob quieted only by the delivery of alcoholic punch.

The setup is this: Jackson and Adams have four years to prepare for each other, but Jackson has a bit of an upper hand. Adams has to spend the past four years governing, while Jackson spends it plotting revenge. From the beginning of the Adams Administration, Jackson slanders him for choosing Henry Clay as his Secretary of State after Clay had thrown him the Presidency. This move is seen as corrupt, political, backhanded, especially since Secretary of State is a stepping stone to the Presidency – Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe all held the position.

And this is just the beginning.

Jackson is also seen as a man of the west, and America is rapidly expanding in that direction. In that same vein, Jackson is also the Southern Candidate, and during the 1820’s this began to matter quite a bit. During the next forty years, the South would increasingly vote together behind the Democratic candidate.

Adams’ Presidency isn’t useless. He manages to fund a significant number of public works projects while paying down the national debt. His problem is the hostility he faces with the Jacksonian faction in Congress. While Jackson and Adams ran under the same party banner in 1824, by 1828 the two factions move far enough away to be two different parties.

Jackson wins a resounding victory, after the following happens:

-Jackson is accused of adultery, as he marries his wife before she is officially divorced (unknown to either of them).

-Adams is accused of gifting a young girl to the Tsar of Russia while posted there as ambassador.

-Adams is also accused of using federal funds to purchase gaming tables for the White House, later proven false.

-Jackson is dogged during the campaign by his pro-slavery and pro-slave trading stance. The north-south division was already clear at this point.

-Both men campaign for Thomas Jefferson’s endorsement. Jefferson would die in 1826, leaving mixed messages with his support. At various times, Jefferson views Jackson as dangerous and unfit, while also blasting Adams’ stance on government, fearing a monarchy even in his late years. This is revealed as bits and pieces of Jefferson’s papers are released after his death but before the election, likely due to the Tsar of Russia hacking into the server holding Jefferson’s papers.

It’s likely he distrusted both, which did not stop either man from claiming Jefferson’s mentorship and support and decrying the other for doing the same.

-At one point – either the day the results are announced or the day Jackson is inaugurated – a pro-Jackson mob rushes into the White House. Windows are smashed and items destroyed, and the rioters are only quieted by dragging bowls of punch out into the lawn to encourage the rioters to go outside.

-Jackson’s wife dies shortly after his election, and he blames it on the stress caused to her by the accusations of adultery, singling out Adams and Clay.

-In 1830, after his defeat, Adams runs for the House of Representatives and wins, as a congressman from Massachusetts. He is one of only two Presidents to serve in government after holding the Presidency.viii He quickly becomes a leader of the abolitionist movement, putting him at odds with President Jackson.

Relation to 2016: No one election is quite like another, but 1828 has just enough crazy circumstance, personal vitriol, and ugly campaigning to be very similar to the 2016 campaign. Seriously, look at that list again. Adams was accused of child slavery and prostitution, while the other guy OWNED ACTUAL SLAVES.

Other threads persist – Jackson was dogged by his ‘business practices” (most of his fortune was made off the backs of slaves on his plantation) and Adams was occasionally viewed with suspicion as the son of a former President and an elite – he was, at his time, a well-traveled and seasoned diplomat who had spent most of his life in public service.

Any comparison is difficult because America is far different from it used to be, a world power as opposed to a continental one. Yet, the political threads established by the Jefferson-Adams campaign of 1796 – the focus on personal context and attacks – reaches a high in 1828 which it will not again for some time.

Fun Fact: There is one other way 1828 is like 2016 – there is nothing to say to make it seem more crazy. There was a riot when Jackson took office, and they had to bring out booze to stop it. I mean, booze probably caused it too, but that remained the solution – and it worked.

Both 1828 and 2016 are in the Tyson Zone of Presidential Elections.

While Jefferson was quite possibly correct in liking neither. Having said that, at least both Jackson and Adams were both qualified to be President.

1832: A theme of Jackson’s Presidency is the city and rural divide. Jackson casts himself as the frontiersman, saving hard-working Americans from the elites of the northeast. He wins in 1832, defeating Henry Clay’s second attempt at the office, but not as broadly as in 1828. He would spend the rest of his time in office pissing off John C. Calhoun (always a plus!) and scheming ways to steal land from Native Americans.

Martin van Buren makes his first appearance in government. All you need to know about van Buren is that he is Dutch and his political mentor is Aaron Burr.

Relation to 2016: More similar to 2012 than 2016. Popular incumbent wins again, but the popular vote is slightly less.

Fun Fact: As far as I can tell, Henry Clay is the only man to run for President three times under three different parties and lose each time.ix

1836: America elects a Dutchman and then we all agree it never happened.

The 1836 election also brings us to the era of the Whig Party. While the people who formed the Whig Party probably did not mean to be historically hilarious, their legacy is one of unintentional comedy. Consider 1836, the first year the Whigs run presidential candidates. Martin van Buren is riding the coattails of Andrew Jackson, so the Whigs devise a strategy.

What if,” one Whig says to another, “we run three candidates for President and split the vote, forcing the election to the House of Representatives? Then we can choose like Henry Clay did!”

The other Whig turns to him and says, “Thats the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Why run three when you can run four?”

And so the Whigs ran FOUR candidates in 1836x, all from different regions, and somehow Henry Clay isn’t one of them.

Van Buren wins easily.

Relation to 2016: None. Yet, I can see a 2016 where the Republican Party does this and it works.

Fun Fact: The next 3,000 words are going to poke a lot of fun at the Whigs, because they are hilarious. The party did rest on a solid foundation – they looked to build America up internally before expanding, looking to the Constitution and rule of law to balance Jeffersonian Democracy. They were hesitant about westward expansion because they wanted to contain slavery to the South, though a full-fledged abolition movement was not quite a force in politics yet.

1840: We all have our 8th grade history teachers to thank for “TIPPACANOE AND TYLER TOO!” William Henry Harrison takes a paddle to van Buren and sends him up a certain kind of creek minus said paddle, but in a canoe.xi

Harrison wins and then dies, inspiring a billion pub trivia questions and one of the best Drunk History Videos of all time:

Relation to 2016: Outside of a snappy campaign slogan, 2016 and 1840 have another similarity: the Whigs refused to discuss any issues. Van Buren was unpopular, the Whigs were able to run against his failed policies rather than discuss, you know, slavery.

Fun Fact: John Tyler became President after Harrison’s death. He proceeded to split with the Whigs and alienate the Democrats leaving him with few avenues to pass any legislation. The Whigs expelled him from their party before his term was up, which may happen if Donald Trump wins.

1844: James Polk defeats Henry Clay, in Clay’s last appearance as a Presidential candidate. He goes 0 for 3, which are some Tim Tebow baseball numbers.

Polk is considered a “dark horse” candidate, due to his lack of national recognition. From Tennessee, he initially aspires to be van Buren’s running mate. Splits are appearing in the Democratic Party, and Tyler’s annexation of Texas makes them apparent, but a bloc of Southern Democrats holds sway, and Polk – running on expansionism more than slavery – ends up with the support of Andrew Jackson and the nomination. Van Buren tries to run again before Americans remember how bland it was the last time they elected a Dutchman.

Relation to 2016: Both Trump and Polk were dark-horse candidates, except Polk had the support of the greatest living President, while every living President has refused to support Trump. I suppose Polk did take us to war with Mexico. That could happen under President Trump.

Fun Fact:Polk died of cholera, because the early American frontier was like the zombie apocalypse minus the zombies.

1848: In 1848, the Whigs adopt a strategy which continues to haunt American politics, and justifies the party’s downfall. Desperate to win, they nominate a war hero, General Zachary Taylor, even though he sort-of-kind-of-just-barely agrees with Whig politics.

Polk declines to run again so the Democrats nominate Lewis Cass, except the Northern Democrats are becoming increasingly uncomfortable with slavery…Anyways, Taylor wins.

And then he dies! Harrison and Taylor are the only two Whig Presidents, and they both die in office. The lesson here: If you are on the Whig ticket, always run as the Vice President.

Relation to 2016: Somewhat. The Democratic Party is going through an upheaval. They somewhat recover for the 1852 and 56 elections, but Polk’s nomination and victory is really the last move of the party before the Civil War. What happens to the Republican Party is to be seen, but they likely are not going to fall apart, and will find some sort of inner-party balance.

Fun Fact: Taylor was opposed to the Compromise of 1850 and wanted to ban slavery from the western provinces. The Compromise of 1850, however, was created by Henry Clay (Whig) and when Taylor died, Millard Fillmore (Whig) pushed it through. The Democrats sat back and watched the Whig Party destroy itself.

1852: Ah, the antebellum years. How sweet and blissful they are; a generation not yet destroyed by the horror of violence. I mean, except for all the people who are still enslaved.

A quick overview of the Whig Strategy for Winning the White House:

  1. Nominate a successful war hero along with a less-successful vice-president.
  2. Ensure the War Hero dies in office.
  3. Ensure the Vice-President is unpopular, so unpopular that the party refused to nominate him when his term is up.
  4. Lose following election in a massive landslide.
  5. Profit?

Millard Fillmore is best known for sounding vaguely like the conservative-leaning comic strip that always appeared in the strangest places in your local paper, and for being the only Whig President to not die nor get expelled from the party.xii He is, however, massively unpopular, so the Whigs run another war hero – General Winfield Scott. To his good fortune, he loses and proceeds to live a long-if-not-healthy life, dying in 1866.

The Democrats run an unknown, Franklin Pierce. If the Whig grand strategy is to pick candidates who continually die, the Democratic grand strategy is to stick heads in the sand. To that end, Pierce’s campaign slogan was: “Everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you. How are you?” George Lucas would later turn to Pierce for inspiration when writing Star Wars: A New Hope.xiii

Pierce wins and has a rough for years. Charles Sumner gets caned on the floor of Congress.

Relation to 2016: Very Little. The Whig Party falls apart after the election, so if that happens then sure.

Fun Fact: Pierce becomes the first sitting President to seek a second term and get denied by his own party.

1856: The Whig Party tries a novel strategy – instead of picking candidates who are going to die in office, the whole party dies instead. Taking its place as the second party is the GRAND OLD PARTY, the Republicans are here!

They lose to James Buchanan. Millard Fillmore is back! But he loses too.

Relation to 2016: Very Little. Both parties were broken in 1856. The Whigs were gone, the Democrats could barely agree, and the Republicans were brand new. Somebody had to be elected, and Buchanan was not what the country needed.

Fun Fact: Buchanan is the only bachelor President.

1860: The Democratic Party splits, the Republicans unite behind Lincoln. 1860 is one of the three or four strangest elections in American history. Civil War may or may not have been inevitable, but Lincoln’s election catalyzed southern sentiment in a way that there was no going back.

Relation to 2016: Lincoln is better than both of these candidates, so no. His election did cause a civil war, so…maybe?

Fun Fact: None, because the Civil War is really sad.

1864: Check back in four years.

1868: The Republicans nominate Ulysses S. Grant, most famously known for cigars and his portrayal by Kevin Kline in Wild, Wild West. Grant is one of the more fascinating Presidents in American history solely because of his rags to riches to rags story; poor and broke, he found wild success leading the Union Army during the Civil War only to reach too far – the Presidency broke him and he barely finished his memoirs, which were to save his family – before dying.

kevin-kline

By 1868, the southern states are being re-admitted to the Union and voting primarily Republican – the newly free black vote ensures that Grant wins nearly the entire region, defeating Democrat Horatio Seymour.

Relation to 2016: Somewhat. The influx of both a massive number of new voters and the changing demographics of the voting public are the primary similarities to 2016, but the context is far too different to have any real resemblance. Strangely, while Grant gained 214 electoral votes to Seymour’s 80, Grant only won the popular vote by five points.

Fun Fact: The ghost of the Whig Party strikes one more time, as the Republicans put Andrew Johnson on the ticket with Lincoln. Upon Lincoln’s assassination, Johnson proceeds to get impeached and the Republicans turn to Grant.

1872: Grant defeats Horace Greeley in the last election where the Democratic and Republican parties did not face off. By 1872, the Republican Party is splitting over Reconstruction – enforce it or finish it? – and the Grant administration’s corruption aids the schism. Greeley ran under the Liberal Republican headline and the Democrats – in their desire to defeat Grant – refuse to nominate a candidate and throw the Party’s weight behind Greeley.

Greeley proceeds to lose in massive fashion. Grant carries 31 of the 37 states. His record as the Union’s savior and Lincoln’s heir remains strong despite the middling performance of his administration, and Grant again carries much of the South.

Relation to 2016: Greeley remains an interesting figure and does have a striking resemblance to the Republican of this year’s process. A newspaper editor, Greeley was never a politician until 1872, and the Republican party had years of literature and editorials to use against him. He was also a poor campaigner, especially compared to the local and national strength of the traditional Republican Party in regards to running a campaign.

Fun Fact: In a strange twist, Greeley died after the election but before the Electoral College met. As a result, though he earned 66 electoral votes, he only received three. It’s almost as if he ran with the Whig Party.

1876: I really hope this election has no bearing on this year. I really, really hope it stays as far away from 2016 as historically possible. Let’s move on.

1880: The single best election in American history, because the guy who wins is named James ABRAM Garfield. Of course, he dies in office. Small historical detail, that is.

Garfield defeats General Winfield Scott Hancock, who continues to serve as he runs (bearing in mind that candidates did not have an active role in elections at this time – party mechanisms drove presidential campaigns more than personality and charisma). 1880 holds a number of distinctions. It has the highest turnout ever recorded, close to 80%. It is also sixth election won by the Republican Party, tying the Democratic-Republican streak from 1800 through 1820. 1880 is also one of the narrowest elections in history – Garfield defeats Hancock by less than 2,000 popular votes, while smashing him in the electoral college.

Relation to 2016: Very Little. Garfield won by .02% of the vote, but won the electoral college 214-155. Something like that probably won’t happen in 2016, but it remains a possibility.

Fun Fact: Garfield is assassinated in 1881 and Chester A. Arthur’s facial hair becomes President, pushing through civil service reform and changing the fundamental nature of American government and politics. That is a lot of work for some facial hair, and his whiskers decline to run again.

1884: Grover Cleveland ran against James Blaine, which sounds boring and really, who can name the Presidents, in order, in between Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt anyways?

Except it is not boring because Cleveland is accused of fathering an illegitimate child and Blaine is accused of accepting bribes, so this campaign is based a lot around the personal character of the two candidates. On top of each party spending the majority of the campaign engaged in character defense and attacks, near the end of the race a Republican surrogate accuses the Democrats of alcoholism, insurrection, and the mortal sin of being Catholic. Cleveland wins – barely – but both Blaine and he seem to be pretty unlikable candidates.

ma_ma_wheres_my_pa

Cleveland is confronted with his illegitimate child

Also some guy named John St. John gets involved.

Relation to 2016: Similar. The election was largely a personal referendum on the two candidates. The polling data at 538 says that Cleveland and Blaine were the two most unlikable candidates until this year, but the results are skewed by the lack of phone access in many parts of the country.

Fun Fact: Cleveland is the first President named after a Sesame Street character.

2773grover

President Cleveland

1888: Benjamin Harrison is known primarily as the grandson of William Henry Harrison and by his colloquial nickname, “Benjie.xiv” Unlike his grandfather, he does not run as a member of the Whig Party, and therefore lives through his term much to the consternation of Vice President Levi Morton and Levi Morton’s incredible mutton chops. To this day, scholars debate who would have assumed the role of President had Harrison died while in office. Morton and his Mutton Chops work against each other behind the scenes of Harrison’s presidency, splitting the cabinet in two and almost causing a constitutional crisis.

levi_morton_-_brady-handy_portrait_-_standard_crop

It’s like staring into the whiskers of God.

Relation to 2016: The 1888 election focused a lot on trade, tariffs, and the building of American industry. We hear a slight refrain of that in 2016, focusing primarily on leaving the North American Free Trade Agreement, but the 2016 refrain on trade is much smaller. Tariff policy was the economic issue of the era, while the economy is more diverse now.

Fun Fact: 1888 was also the third of four elections in American history where the popular vote winner was not elected. It should stay that way.

1892: REMATCH! Kind of like the 1828 election, just minus all the accusations about prostitution and slavery. 1892 is somewhat anticlimactic – Cleveland won the popular vote in 1888 but lost the electoral college. He spends eighteen months watching Terminator before declaring that he will be back and returns to remedy that issue.

Relation to 2016: None. 1892 might be the most dissimilar campaign to 2016, because when Harrison’s wife died a few weeks before election day, both Harrison and Cleveland ceased to seriously campaign out of respect.

Fun Fact: Cleveland becomes the second President to win the popular vote three times in a row. Andrew Jackson won it in 1824, ’28, and ’32, and Franklin Roosevelt would win it from 1932-1944.

 

i Yes, that was the party name. It’s length will infuriate scholars and excite students until the end of time. TAKES UP SO MUCH PAGE SPACE.

ii No it doesn’t.

iii Go check the 538 archives for their 1796 predictions. I’ll wait.

iv  I’m doing my best to impersonate Alexander Hamilton’s writing length with this post.

v Or something like this.

vi  About 10,000 words from now.

vii  Somehow they would mess this up and make Roger Goodell seem likable.

viii  The other? ANDREW FUCKING JACKSON.

ix  Democratic-Republican, National Republican, and Whig

x  Seriously. They ran four people. The Whigs would die out soon.

xi  You’re welcome for that.

xii Someone needs to write a book on all the messed-up things surrounding the Whig Party. It’d be like, 700 pages long.

xiii Isn’t American History great?

xiv  The more I started at Benjamin Harrison’s photo, the more sure I felt that he was the architect of the Matrix.

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